I acknowledge my presence here in the novitiate as a grace of God-- a
gift despite of my imperfections… a mystery that unfolds unto me little by
little each day-- from the start of my
journey… when the moment I said ‘yes’ to God.
I always remember that God has been with me as I sailed to Davao City
for my postulancy. There, I realized that my past life was made complicated by
my very own personal desires.
‘Letting go’ of things has been so hard for me at the start of my
formation for I used to live in fear when uncertainties come along the way as I
embrace a more simple life. The congregation’s ‘come and see’ program’ has
opened my eyes to see God more clearly; and the program has enabled me to
experienced Him as He manifest Himself through the Eucharist—inspired by His
compassionate love, I am resolved that my life’s purpose is to serve God.
From my past, I used to believe that I was just running away from my
responsibilities and obligations in life... that my choice was merely
influenced by my personal gratification. There were times that I could find
myself asking God why He chose me. I asked Him, “why me and not the others.”
Sometimes, at the back of my mind, there’s a part of me that always dreaming of
having a family of my own where I can be a father to my own children.
Such blames and agonies were pacified by God’s time. My intentions
were, perhaps, purified as I understand my purpose—not as my personal choice
but as a part of God’s magnificent plan.
I also acknowledge the desert parts of my journey where in this, sometimes dry and a desolate, journey, I heard God speaking to me. During these chaotic moments, there were times when I'm alone in my room, that I feel terribly lonely. I admit, it’s
hard for me to imagine that I’ll be alone waking till the rest of my life without
someone by my side. Sometimes, it’s nice to imagine that there’s this human
touch caressing me gently to assure me that I’ll be okay whenever I feel sick
and chilling during the cold dark nights. But, these fantasies would all end up
when I imagine the face of God on the cross… alone and deserted by his own beloved apostles…
where in my loneliness, he’s always there to fill the emptiness that succumbs my
restless soul.
God has been there in the darkest part of my life... when all the
things that I used to love appear to be meaningless… when the sole purpose of
my personhood was jeopardized by corruptions and injustices. In Him, as I pray, I cried
all the tears of my heart. I fervently asked God to teach my
heart to accept the things that I cannot change. I ask Him to make me
understand the things that are beyond my capacity and to inculcate in my heart the
virtue of patience that would give me strength in this very long journey to persevere and to find joy in whatever circumstances.
I also pray for the grace of humility so that I can serve Him best in
whatever means I could do. I know that my restless soul will
finally find its rest in Him alone. Nothing more should my heart desire but His
love as my God and my dear Savior.
Den Mar
(May 17, 2008. Written during my Novitiate days at SSS Novitiate,
Carmel Farms, San Jose del Monte, Bulacan)
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